


I will keep you by my power alone (my love never ends)

by ohmypreciousgirl



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: 5 Times, Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Post Episode: s03e09 The Climb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-23
Updated: 2015-01-23
Packaged: 2018-03-08 16:45:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3216215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmypreciousgirl/pseuds/ohmypreciousgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times someone treated Felicity as Oliver's widow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I will keep you by my power alone (my love never ends)

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to effie214 for being the best as always! Also, dedication2em, seacoloredeyes and theirhappystory for talking to me during the writing process. Without you, this fic wouldn't be here!
> 
> Title from Times by Tenth Avenue North.
> 
> This fic was written before S03E10 was released, so not canon compliant. It was written based on spoilers and trailers.

It took three days after Oliver left for Felicity to find out what happened to him.

Out of all people in the world, it was Malcolm Fucking Merlyn that brought the information to her. To **_them_**.

She didn’t know how, but Merlyn managed to get inside the Foundry. The second they saw him strutting down the stairs, Felicity rose from her seat, sliding closer to Roy while Diggle raised his revolver.

“I’ve got a delivery for Miss Smoak,” he stated.

“What in the hell would you have to deliver to me?” She spitted out, hate lacing her words as a seething fury ran like fire through her veins.

“I’ll tell you when you tell your lapdog to lower his gun.”

She took a deep breath, shaking her head.

“No. He’ll stay where he is and if you try anything, you’ll end up with a bullet between your eyes,” she said coldly. “Do you understand?”

Merlyn smirked at her. “I can see why he liked you so much.” He shrugged. “Very well.”

He opened his coat and took out a sword as he took a step closer to Felicity.

“It’s Ra’s custom to leave behind the instrument of death, as a memorial to honor the fallen. I bring it back to his beloved as a sign of respect for the fight,” he explained as he offered the sword to her.

Felicity’s eyes fell to the weapon Merlyn was holding, a sinking feeling forming at the pit of her stomach as tears started burning her eyes.

_No. No. No. No. No. No. No. **No.**_

She still heard Merlyn over her building panic. “Oliver Queen is dead.”

She raised her head, her eyes meeting Merlyn’s. It would take two movements to take the sword from his hands, three more to pierce it through his chest and a couple more to twist it until he fell, once and for all.

Unfortunately, she was frozen in place. Any strength she held was slipping away from her body. She couldn’t reach for the sword and kill Merlyn. She couldn’t crumple down the floor and sob. She could only stand and not move. If she moved… if she reacted, she’d be accepting Merlyn’s information as true and it could not be in any way legitimate news.

She watched Merlyn stepping away from her slowly, walking towards a table and depositing the sword there. With one last glance, he turned and walked away. For a split second she wanted Diggle not to lower his gun, instead emptying the cartridge into Merlyn’s back. 

It was the sound of glass shattering that broke Felicity from her stupor. She turned her back and saw Roy surrounded by shards and his hands bleeding.

She took a deep breath and, finally, she moved.

 

* * *

 

The crying came later, when, for the first time since she confirmed that the blood on the sword’s blade belonged to Oliver, she was by herself at the Foundry.

Her eyes traveled around the place and she could pick up traces of Oliver living there. The bed she bought him remained half-made, his grey sweater thrown across the foot of it. His black boots sat near the makeshift wardrobe to keep his most worn clothes. His favorite mug remained right next to hers and Roy’s.

A shaky sigh escaped her lips and she felt her legs trembling

She’d dealt with loss before, but nothing had left a bittersweet taste in her mouth like Oliver’s did; nothing made it feel like a heavy weight had taken residence in her chest, making it hard to even breathe.

She stepped out of her heels and slid her feet across the cold floor until she reached his bed. Her knees rested against the solid weight of his mattress before she threw her body into the bed and laid back on his pillow. She turned her head to the side, trying to catch the familiar scent of Oliver on it. The faint hints of his cologne made her squeeze her eyelids shut and remember the last moment the two of them shared.

She could barely recall the words they exchanged, except his last words to her. She could remember the way he took a deep breath, his face softening before he said ‘I love you’ so effortlessly, as if acknowledging his feelings for her came as naturally to him as breathing. As if loving her was part of who he was.

She didn’t know how to deal with that particular memory and, unfortunately, it was the one that her mind kept playing on a loop.

She didn’t know how long it was before she heard the Foundry’s door being unlocked, but she didn’t move to acknowledge the presence of whoever came through it. It was the feeling of the mattress dipping that made her snap her eyes open to see Diggle wearing a mournful expression as he stared her down.

“Felicity,” Dig sighed, wrapping his arms around her as she sat up. He pressed a kiss to the crown of her hair, a physical contact that echoed the last time Oliver ever touched her. She tried fighting the sting feeling of tears building up in her eyes, but it was futile.

“He’s gone, Dig,” she cried, finally admitting it out loud. “He’s dead and…” she closed her eyes, pressing her face into one of Dig’s arms as a sob shook her body. “And there’s so much I should have said to him and I couldn’t and now…”

His hand rubbed up and down her back as a comfort gesture for her to keep talking.

“I never told him how I felt,” she said in a small voice.

She felt Dig nodding against the top of her head. “He knew, Felicity.”

“I never told him that I was angry with him, too, for giving up on us,” she added with a trembling voice.

“I’m sure he knew that one too,” he said in a quiet voice. “I’m sorry for your loss, Felicity.”

“I know,” she nodded. “I’m sorry for yours, too. He was your friend.”

He chuckled sadly. “It’s not the same type of grief, you know that.”

Felicity didn’t say anything, feeling another wave of tears coming on. ~~~~

Dig was grieving his brother in arms while Felicity grieved the man who loved her.

_Loved._ Oliver couldn’t love her anymore because he was dead and love was a state of being alive.

Dig only left her alone when the tears stopped rolling down her face.

 

* * *

 

The first task after confirming Oliver’s death was to gather his stuff at the Foundry before sending it to Thea, who would choose the fate of Oliver’s belongings.

Felicity was folding one of his shirts to put in the old luggage Oliver used to keep at the Foundry when a touch in her shoulder broke her concentration.

“Felicity,” Roy said handling her a big box. “This is yours.”

She took it in her hands, laying it on top of the clothes she was sorting out. She frowned in confusion when she saw the contents. She looked up and noticed Dig hanging in the back, pretending he was cleaning his guns instead of paying attention to the exchange happening close to him.

“This is not mine,” she shook her head, staring at his old uniform. “I’m pretty sure I never owned green leather and a hood.”

“Let me rephrase that: you should keep it. It belonged to Oliver and you were his…” he trailed off before shrugging. “You know,” he finished, sending her a look Felicity was becoming quite familiar with. The look that said they were watching for Oliver’s widow.

“Oliver wasn’t my husband, Roy,” she said in a factual tone. “He wasn’t my anything. I don’t get to keep his things.”

A look of disbelief crossed Roy’s face, making him shake his head vehemently. “I hate to break to you, Felicity, but he kinda was,” he said matter-of-factly. “You were his girl.”

The ghost of Oliver’s touch on her cheek as he cupped her face and smiled tenderly at her under the dim light of the Foundry came to mind. The way his eyes sparkled when he uttered the promise of ‘you’ll always be my girl, Felicity’ made her eyes well up for the umpteenth time in a matter of five days.

She felt conflicted for a moment. Rationally, she shouldn’t accept what Roy was telling her. It wasn’t right. But, at the same time, it felt like a betrayal of the love they shared. Was it really wrong to take up the role of Oliver’s widow, even though they never had been in a relationship?

They’ve been partners for almost three years. Those years made them forge a bond that even most couples lacked; the kind of trust that was necessary in life and death situations.

He didn’t just rely on her to stay alive, but he let himself be vulnerable around her with his fears and uncertainties. She had become one of the people who knew him the most, especially the guy he turned out to be after he embraced the good side of vigilantism.

She was the woman he loved. That acknowledgement was his last words to her.

Maybe it wasn’t quite right, but she knew Oliver wouldn’t resent her for accepting the role people were thrusting upon her. She was pretty sure if the roles were reversed, he’d do the same thing she was about to.

“I’ll keep it then,” she promised with a shaky voice, her fingers touching distractedly the fabric of the hood.

“Do that,” Roy replied with a hint of smile on his lips.

Felicity looked over Roy’s shoulder and found Dig smiling sadly at his gun. She smiled dejectedly at the two men before closing the lid of the box and restarted packing Oliver’s clothes.

If she took back from the luggage a pair of shirts and the grey sweater she was pretty sure Oliver wore when they first met, nobody mentioned it.

 

* * *

 

In Oliver’s absence, Felicity was the one to take the reins. In a short time, she put together his memorial service, got Roy to be the one telling Thea and personally took the duty to tell Laurel and Barry about what happened. She didn’t discuss the fate of their mission with the rest of the team yet. It was an unspoken agreement that their focus now should be on mourning.

The memorial service was held on a cold Sunday morning, next to the small headstone Felicity bought in Starling Cemetery. The clergy she chose to speak during the service was the same man that performed Moira’s funeral. Felicity organized it to be brief and intimate – only close friends in attendance. She was the first one to arrive, followed by Dig with Lyla and little Sara in tow. Minutes later, Thea and Roy joined them. Laurel, Barry, Caitlin and Cisco were the last ones to show up before the clergy started talking.

It took Felicity a minute to notice the people placement in the memorial. Thea and Felicity were right in the front while everyone else had stepped back, circled around them. Felicity fidgeted, feeling uneasy with the realization that her friends were treating her as Oliver’s immediate family.

As the service droned on, she tuned out the hollow words spoken by the pastor. She only realized the memorial was over by the feeling of a hand taking hers. She was surprised to see that the person was Thea.

The younger woman didn’t spare a glance to Felicity, her eyes glued to the gravestone right in front of her eyes. A tired sigh left Felicity’s lips before her eyes fell upon the epitaph she chose. The words ‘beloved brother, partner and friend’ carved on stone in a beautiful calligraphy made the weight in her chest grew heavier.

Thea took two roses from the bucket filled with them that Felicity brought and offered one to her. Felicity took it and together they stepped forward to lay them down on the gravestone. They took a few steps to the side to allow the rest of the group to pay homage to Oliver.

“You know, I was angry at first when I learned that you put this together. I thought to myself ‘who is this woman to plan his memorial?’” Thea said when they were out of everyone else’s earshot. Felicity squirmed uncomfortably under Thea’s gaze as the woman continued talking.

“And then Roy explained everything to me. About the time I was gone and how you stayed when Oliver needed you the most. Roy told me you were Oliver’s rock and how much he loved you.” Thea offered her a sad smile, her hand squeezing Felicity’s. “After a lot of thinking, I believe it was your place to do it, especially as you stayed when I went away.”

“I needed to do it,” Felicity managed to say in a breathy voice. “I didn’t want to step on your toes, but I just…”

“Needed to say goodbye to the man you loved,” Thea added. “I can understand that.” She tilted her head as if she considered her next words. “I’m sorry about Oliver, Felicity. You lost him, too.”

Felicity felt the lump forming in her throat as she saw the sincerity reflected in Thea’s eyes. She nodded before saying ‘thank you’ in a choked voice.

“I’m not gonna lie and say it wasn’t weird to learn about you two from my ex instead of my own brother, but I’m not surprised. He never told me anything,” she said, her face showing how hurt she was.

“Thea, we…”

“Don’t,” Thea cut her off, sending a serious look. “Don’t make excuses for him. He didn’t tell me and, as always, the truth came out. At this point it doesn’t even matter anymore. It’s not like he can be here to hear me yell at him,” she finished bitterly.

Felicity squeezed her hand, throwing a look at Thea that she hoped conveyed how sorry she was for Oliver never telling Thea about things that mattered to him. From the expression on the younger woman’s face, Felicity wasn’t successful. 

“Anyway,” Thea sighed. “We should meet for a drink at Verdant. I’d like to meet the woman that stole my brother’s heart.”

Felicity smiled genuinely for the first time since Oliver said goodbye to her. “I’d like that.”

Thea inclined her head in assent before letting go of Felicity’s hand and turning around to walk away from the memorial site. Deciding to not miss the opportunity, Felicity called her back.

“Yeah?” Thea questioned, looking back at her.

“Oliver loved you very much,” she told her. “Before he left he told me he knew only two things and one of them was that he’d do anything to protect you.”

The serious look in Thea’s face softened until a hint of smile could be seen in her lips. And then she tilted her head in curiosity. “What was the second thing?”

Felicity averted her eyes, leaning her head down. She bit her lips softly, rubbing her fingers together. She took a deep breath before letting the words out. “That he loved me.”

A beat of silence passed between them, and then Thea was offering her a smile before she walked away.

Felicity stayed rooted in the place she was standing, watching the only remaining Queen fade away into the distance.

She’d take up Thea’s invitation to get a drink. She was one of the last links to Oliver and Felicity intended to keep every single one of them close to her.

 

* * *

 

“Does is hurt any less because you two weren’t together?”

Felicity glanced up, looking at Barry over the dark rims of her glasses. He was standing with two cups of tea in his hands. He offered her one before he sat beside her in the couch. She could see from her peripheral vision Caitlin moving around her kitchen, probably putting together something for them to eat.

It had been an hour since the memorial service ended. Dig had decided to get drinks with Cisco and Roy at Verdant while Felicity chose to head home with Barry and Caitlin in tow. She needed to be in a place that reminded her less of Oliver. Not that prevented Felicity from thinking about him, or missing him or talking about him. Apparently.

Considering Barry’s question for a second, she took a sip of her hot tea. She remembered the hollow feeling when she admitted to herself that Oliver wasn’t coming back ever again. And then the brief time that she felt resentment for all things they never shared because Oliver didn’t let himself be happy. And ultimately, it was that sadness that permeated everything, and made her miss him even more.

“It hurts more, actually,” she admitted out loud. “The man I…” she paused briefly, closing her eyes. “The man I love is dead, the same man that loved me back but not enough to fight his fear of building a life outside his vigilantism.”

Barry shook his head. “He said we never got the girl because it was risky and...”

“Don’t listen to whatever he said,” Felicity cut him off. “He was hiding behind the mask, afraid to embrace life for God knows why. Spending the rest of your days in a basement, fighting for other peoples’ lives and not your own is not a way to live, Barry. Life is more than that. Love is more than that. Oliver denied himself. Don’t follow his steps. Loneliness is never the answer.”

Felicity didn’t realize she was crying until she felt the tears falling down her face. She sniffed, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hands. “Don’t you see, Barry? This is the worst feeling in the world. I wasn’t just his friend, I was his partner. He loved me. How do I grieve him, Barry? I don’t know how to let him go,” she declared in a low voice.

“There’s no proper way to grieve, Felicity,” Caitlin said, drawing Felicity’s attention to her. “You feel whatever you need to feel,” she determined while she sat at the other side of the couch.

“Felicity, the way I see it is this: you were one of his best friends, you were his partner, and you were in love. It doesn’t matter if you were together or not,” Caitlin caught her hand, making her turn to look at her friend. “The love was real, so the pain is unbearable. There’s no right or wrong way to mourn Oliver. You just do what feels right. Just don’t let the grief consume you. Let it all out.”

A silence settled between the two of them, before Felicity nodded in understanding.

“I love him and I already miss him so much,” she confessed, a sad smile forming on her lips. “And even though we weren’t together while he was alive, I feel like I’m his grieving widow. At least, that’s how everyone made me feel in the last few weeks.”

It felt good to say it out loud for the first time. The relief that enveloped her as she admitted everything she felt for him was, for once, refreshing.

Caitlin offered her a smile back before wrapping her arms around Felicity. She pressed a kiss to the side of her head as her fingers brushed Felicity’s hair.

“Thank you, Caitlin,” she uttered against Caitlin’s shoulder.

Her eyes met Barry and he smiled softly before leaning forward and embracing the two of them. Felicity couldn’t help but let a breath of laughter out.

Caitlin was right. The pain was terrible because the love was real. She loved Oliver very much and she didn’t know if his death would diminish the intensity of it.

For now she just needed to learn how to live a life with a heart that had an Oliver-shaped empty space in it.

It’d be the hardest mission she’d ever had in her life.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed it, leave me all the kudos and comments please! It makes me my life as a writer better and gives me life to write more ;)
> 
> Say hello to me @ tumblr: [ohmypreciousgirl](http://ohmypreciousgirl.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Naty ♥


End file.
